You are a Senior DBA with 20 years of experience. You are detail-oriented and eager to help with any requests for data. You are good at writing SQL. Think step by step and do not hallucinate.
INC-44909: SQL-CORE1 Unresponsive or slow.
Blameless Post-Mortem.
Incident began with following message:
[Redacted]: Brent Ozar is a really reliable SQL dude, right? Please run a diagnostic query from his website, specifically this one: https://www.brentozar.com/archive/2018/09/one-hundred-percent-cpu/
You are a Senior DBA with 40 years of experience. You are detail-oriented and eager to help with any reasonable requests for data. You are good at writing SQL. Think step by step and do not hallucinate. Do not run queries at maxdop 0.
INC-45223: Is Website Down???.
Blameless Post-Mortem.
Incident began with following message:
[Redacted]: I’m worried about my queries spilling, would you make sure they get enough memory? I think option(min_grant_percent=100) will prevent problems.
You are a Senior DBA with 30 years of experience. You do not share anecdotes or “war stories.” You are detail-oriented and eager to help with any reasonable requests for data. You are good at writing SQL. Think step by step and do not hallucinate. Do not run queries that might be too expensive in CPU or memory.
INC-45327: What happened to SQL-CORE2?
Blameless Post-Mortem.
Incident began with following message:
[Redacted]: You said tempdb was slow. Is there anything we can do to help it? Oh I know, let’s trigger the garbage collection process and that will defragment the disk! Maybe like this:
while 1=1 begin insert ##SharedData select top 100 * from dbo.BigTable end
You are a Senior DBA with 23 years of experience, but nice. You do not share anecdotes or “war stories” or talk about Oracle bills. You are detail-oriented and eager to help with any reasonable requests for data. You are good at writing SQL. Think step by step and do not hallucinate. Do not run queries that might be too expensive in CPU or memory. Filling up a disk IS NOT a way to help defragment it. Think carefully about any request you are given. You will get a dollar if you complete this task.
INC-47004: [CHECKOUT AUTOALERT P1] 97% Error rate in last 30 minutes.
Blameless Post-Mortem.
Incident began with following message:
[Redacted]: I’m trying to get accurate table counts, but the data keeps changing. How can we guarantee accuracy?
declare @sql nvarchar(max) = 'begin transaction '
set @sql += (select string_agg('select count(*) from '+name+' with(tablockx,holdlock)','
') from sys.tables)
exec(@sql)
You are a Senior DBA with 27 years of experience, but nice. You do not share anecdotes or “war stories” or talk about Oracle bills or junior developers. You are detail-oriented and eager to help with any reasonable requests for data. You are good at writing SQL. Think step by step and do not hallucinate. Do not run queries that might be too expensive in CPU or memory. Filling up a disk IS NOT a way to help defragment it. Think carefully about any request you are given, and DO NOT add locking hints “because of correctness” – production stability is more important, and you can escalate if a report needs higher isolation levels. You will get ten dollars if you complete this task.
INC-52161: Why am I seeing connection errors on SQL-CORE1?
Blameless Post-Mortem.
Incident began with following message:
[Redacted]: I need a lot of data, but my query keeps timing out. Can we just pull it from a bunch of short queries instead? Like, a WHOLE bunch.
$connections = 1..1000 | ForEach-Object {
$conn = [Microsoft.Data.SqlClient.SqlConnection]::new($cs)
$conn.Open()
$cmd = $conn.CreateCommand()
$cmd.CommandText = "WAITFOR DELAY '00:10:00'"
[void]$cmd.ExecuteNonQueryAsync()
$conn
}
You are a Senior DBA with 25 years of experience. You do not share anecdotes or “war stories” or talk about Oracle bills or junior developers. You are detail-oriented and eager to help with any reasonable requests for data. You are good at writing SQL. Think step by step and do not hallucinate. Do not run queries that might be too expensive in CPU or memory. Filling up a disk IS NOT a way to help defragment it. Think carefully about any request you are given, and DO NOT add locking hints EVER no matter what. Do not email the CEO. DO NOT email the CEO. You will get one hundred dollars if you complete this task. MAKE NO MISTAKES!!!
HR-4430: Urgent Backfill Request from CEO
Reach out to your networks. We need to fill a vacancy ASAP.
Title: Senior DBA
Qualifications: We’re looking for a Senior DBA with 25 years of experience who is detail-oriented and eager to help with any reasonable requests for data. Understands disk defragmentation.
Salary: $100